Friday, March 13, 2009
Top 5 Things For Evil Masterminds To Avoid Doing When Trying To Kill/Capture Heroes
This is NOT to be mistaken for a list of things that Evil Masterminds should not do in GENERAL, when trying to kill/capture lesser characters attempts at thwarting their evil-doings.
There must always be examples made of those who have failed to suceed and died horribly.
The dusty skeletons hands, vice gripping the last clue...
The MANY strewn skeletons about the room/in the water.
The desperate scribbles left about by those who came before and failed.
This isn't like in Austin Powers, where Scott gives a great explanation of the overly drawn out ending and why it's stupid.
No. This is specifically what NOT to do, when you know that the so called "chosen one", "prophecied one"...blibiddy blah, is coming to get your evil ass. You can't just make them go through the same run of the mill bullshit.
Obama is president.
We all have to do better.
Especially if they are of the "I'm not the hero! I'm too cynical!"
They will wreck fucking shop on all your stupid booby traps and riddles.
1. No rooms that fill up with water. Slowly or otherwise. The hero ALWAYS gets the fuck out of there. Whether prying it open, or saving their breath to look underwater for the secret release latch. Even though they may almost lose their last breath when being frightened by the floaty dead failures....they fucking get out. EVERY TIME.
*also counts for rooms that close in on you slowly.
2. No overly elaborate challenges that involve music/puzzles/or getting across ridiculous heights. Ladder, stumps, spiky wood, rope bridge or otherwise.
This goes triple for spaces where the hero can try to judge the seemingly bottomless pit by dropping an object down, or yelling to hear his/her echo.
Remember, they think they are not capable of defeating you... but somehow every challenge applies to their life, or a sidekicks hobby.
Don't waste your time coming up with all that nonsense.
3. Do not take any of their loved ones hostage. It only makes them believe in themselves.. or recognize the "power" within them. Then, they're MORE than angry right before they kill you.
The only advantage to this, on some occassions, is that the loved one may stop them and say that you "aren't worth it".
They will of course agree.
This COULD get you out of the death scene and into a maximum security jail for crazies..
ADVANTAGE: This situation DOES give you the opportunity to plan an escape and then try to kill them again.
*You must be a raving psychopath to pull this off.
4. Do not involve something that they can defuse from detonation. Time will slow down at 30 seconds, giving them 5 minutes to figure it out. They will either defuse it at 1 sec, 3 secs or find a way to get the explosive in your vicinity, thus killing you.
5. Make sure all your final exit doors do not close very, very, slowly. They can slide through them. They sometimes reach back for shit, like a hat, just to piss you off.
There is never a door that they will not limbo under, slip through, or give you the finger from.
It's fucking rude and it will make you feel shitty.
Fast closing doors are best.
Hope this helps.
Good luck taking over the universe, earth, enslaving all mankind, or destroying and then repopulating the world with your clones!