Saturday, November 14, 2009
The State of "Eh", Chapter 4
Chapter 4 - The Prelude to Big Crazy
I met Big Crazy at Joe's Pub. Years ago. He was a model. I made it a rule to not date models right before I started dating a few models.
Good work, Jean.
I also made it a rule to not date Big Crazy at the same time that I started dating Big Crazy.
In my defense, right after I met him, heard his corny ass pick up line, took his stupid number on that stupid paper and vowed to never call him... I meant that shit. I meant it so fucking hard. I gave new meaning to "meant". That's not really a good defense, is it???
Let me explain.
The reason I ended up going out with Big Crazy, was Blackplanet.
Blackplanet and it's stupid ass dating results.
For about 2 months, I had been talking to a guy I met on Blackplanet. We seemed to click well, phone conversations were cool, all in all, I was interested. It's a pretty big deal if I'm even slightly interested, so ... it was a pretty big deal to go on a "date".
I'm not very good at "dates".. I mean, I have incredible date ideas.... elaborate plans.... I would like to be taken on dates.. I just end up not really GOING on very many dates.
Circumstances are always different in my relationships.
I had one boyfriend who was the king of dates.. It was a welcome experience. We would be thoroughly exhausted after all our "date" time though... Falling asleep at dinner, just... man... we were dating HARD.
He took dates to SCHOOL. Learned them... smacked them in the date mouth with a white dueling glove. This motherfucker could plan some motherfucking DATES.
I tried to match his "Master of Dates" status and plan a kick ass date when he came to NY. I failed miserably. He looked miserable. I was so angry.
That's another story though....
Back to Blackplanet.
So we had planned a date. Actually, no.. I had planned a date. It was a doozy of an evening. Well, it WOULD have been a doozy of an evening if I had went on the date with SOMEONE ELSE.
I really overestimated his.... well.. comprehension of EVERYTHING.
I don't know how he managed to play off intelligence on the internet, or on the phone. I like to think it was a Cyrano sort of situation and someone was feeding him lines to me. Where is THAT dude? I should have been on the date with that dude.
Having his fake intelligence and fake free spirit in mind, the date was planned like this:
Meet up at Union Square.
Go to very rare showing of "A Clockwork Orange" ( I KNOW!!! RIGHT?)
Stop by Remote Lounge for drinks and fun (Remote used to be fun as hell! Great concept bar until it got ruined).
Late night dinner at.. well.. any great late night downtown NYC eatery.
None of those things went right.
He showed up at Union Square as the 1.5 version of his Blackplanet/phone 8.0 version...................
"Oh..." I thought, "there's no way in hell I'm sitting through this fucking great movie with you." I thought.
"I'ma go inside and just see how tickets are looking right now" Is what I said.
Man, I came out of that building looking real disappointed. All Longface McNichols I was.
"No more tickets" said I.
I grabbed my fake sadness next to me and held it there for the remainder of the night.
Clutching that sadness made me feel slightly better. I held it to me.. close like a sad, outdated pocketbook.
"Duh." His face and body language said.
"Shut up." My body language, unreadable by the retarded, said back.
They had tickets. They had 29 tickets left. I remember the number, simply for the number.
"We have 29 tickets left" -them
"That's a damn shame" - me
I truly, deeply, wanted to see that movie on a big screen. Hopefully it will happen again. I just, I just couldn't even do it.
I really wasn't in the mood to go home yet. I had gotten ready for the night, date ready... all groomed and preened and other "eds". Fuck it.. let's just drink. It's quite possible that I could give him away at Remote, as well as find a new date. Okay, let's try that.
We take a cab down to Remote Lounge... I warn him.. yet again.. "yeah don't try and match me drink for drink.. you will lose... it will be awful..."
Fast forward 2 hours later...
We're in McDonald's. 22nd & 6th ave.
He is WASTED. Mostly because I told him- "yeah don't try and match me drink for drink.. you will lose... it will be awful..."
He didn't listen.
At this point, I'm like... "Say man.... umm.. lemme buy you a cheeseburger or something to soak your liquor up"
We are never going to a level PAST McDonalds.... so I figure this is a nice gesture.
Dude is not standing on line with me. Dude is at the seats in the front passed out.
OH NO... PASSED THE FUCK OUT.
I try and wake him up.. I stood on that line for 15 fucking dumb ass minutes getting him some fucking food.
He is not getting up.
I don't even half ass try.... I genuinely try to wake him up... Grab his face, stuff it in the bag... ......Nothing. Lift his arms and smack his face with his own hands.. Nothing.
Ok, well fuck it then.. It is 1: 07 am... I sir, am STILL not done with my dating evening.
I then make a choice that I consider a hard, tough choice in my dating career.
I should leave him.
In the McDonalds.
I contemplate this outside, while dragging hard on my cigarette... randomly turning around to see if anyone has started messing with him yet and sucking my teeth every time I look.
Good Jean says: What if someone tries to kill him??? He's not from Manhattan!!!! What if he gets robbed??? You could just put him in a cab.
Normal Jean says: Yeah, well....prolly should have thought all those amazing thoughts before you decided that you could have 4 dirty martinis. Seriously... FOUR??? That's ALL?? That is a grown man. I, Jean am not responsible for some strangers mishaps. Plus, he was a total crap date. Even before passing out. There wasn't much difference between him being conscious and comatose. Just leave him there with the food.
I flicked my stog across the street and walked to the payphone. I didn't turn around again.
Same pocketbook from the night I met Big Crazy.
I was out, I was sure he'd be out..... why not..
"Hey.. it's Jean.. HI! Umm.. what are you doing?"
to be cont.........