Chapter 8 - Convenience
"I am not a convenience! I am a PRIVILEGE!" I yelled.
This is, by far, one of my favorite sentences I have ever uttered. It would have been legendary, classic, echoed in the halls of relationship statements... had I not felt the need to add more shit to it and make it sarcastic.
Had I known then, what I know now and still refuse to implement.
Just shut up at the end of saying good shit. Put a fucking period on that shit. A cap. Don't be all BP about it. Yet, no.
"I am not a convenience! I am a PRIVILEGE!" I yelled.
It was so remarkably timed, dramatic pause betwixt the two statements. A single hard tear dropped EXACTLY at the moment I said "PRIVILEGE!" I had my hand vertically to my heart...had smacked my chest with it....clenched my teeth when I said "PRIVILEGE!" Held my hand for about 5 seconds, then dropped it slowly. Didn't bother to wipe those tears. Then I stood there, as 4 other HARD tears hit the floor. I breathed heavily, shoulders heaving. A single throat gulp.
"I am not a convenience! I am a PRIVILEGE!"
Award worthy. It was the scene they would play when I was nominated. People would gasp, feeling moved. As they moved to the shots of the other actresses nominated, after I won, they would be crying...shaking their heads and slow clapping my brilliance.
Yes.
"I am not a convenience! I am a PRIVILEGE!"
He stood there, wide eyed. Still. Eyes dropping to the floor as I dropped my hand. Went to reach out to me. I gave the "NO!" hand and backed up with the "NO!" finger. Complete with lip quivering and all.
Then...
My sarcasm kicked in.
OK, look. I really don't have control over this shit. Countless times I have ruined a completely serious situation with my involuntary sarcasm reflex. I'm sure it's infuriating. In fact, I KNOW it's infuriating. I just can't stop. I can't stop the stupid continuous joke prompt in my head. It doesn't shut off. I've never found the button for it and I'm not sure that I want to. In retrospect, there are tons of times it probably would have changed the direction my life took. Only, I'm not sure I would want to live in that life. It's not real for me. It's not tangible.
So.
"I am not a convenience! I am a PRIVILEGE!"
Hand drop, back off, "NO!" hand, his eye drop, reach out....
Then, the ruination.
I breathed heavily for about 10 more seconds. It was silent. Heavy. Hot. Feeling of the ceiling lowering in and the room wet, humid with passion.
Still. Thick.
I opened my stupid mouth and completely changed tones.
See, what had just happened in my head, is that although I was SO serious about what I was saying... I mean, shit... this was a serious fucking argument. I meant it. I was just proud of myself for saying it the way I did.
I saw the entire award show in the 10 seconds of silence. This is my problem. I had already extricated myself from the moment. I was doing my acceptance speech at that point. I tend to immerse myself quickly into my imagination. Especially when it's cued by.. ok.. no.. just all the time. It's a problem.
Ok.. so.... I opened my stupid mouth and completely changed tones.
Hand drop.... turn, then turn around quickly.... (this is a different movie for me now.)
"...because.. If I was a CONVENIENCE.... do I... do I have a fucking neon sign on me? Do I look like I sell slurpees? I have fucking AISLES??? You think I stock motherfucking SLIM JIMS??? Am I open 24 hours for you? Do you want me to sell you a mother.....fucking...LOOSIE??? That's it? My name is BODEGA??? BODEGA? You see an awning??? The word SANDWICH is spelled incorrectly on me? Huh MOTHERFUCKER??? You want a turkey and cheese on a fucking hero??? You don't want mustard?? WHAT??? HUH? HUH? I'm a MART? Oh.. NOW I'M A FUCKING MART??? FUCK... YOU.."
I turned and stormed out of the room, then out of the apartment. I got to about the corner and called my friend. I was laughing hysterically.
"I'm such a dick..." I spit out between laughs, "I don't even... hahahahahaaa..." I was laughing so hard that my face hurt.
"Ahhhh I fucking ruined it. RUINED MY MOMENT!"
She agreed, told me I was "a fucking fool."
It wasn't an important enough relationship for me to even want to have a discussion about it afterwards. He chalked it up to me being a loon. I chalked it up to... well.. let's be real. The real point of this is that... yes.. I had a valid point. I was most certainly NOT a convenience... I didn't like being treated as such. I chalked it up to the fact that he didn't know what he had. Loon or not.
I am not... a privilege.
I would sell you a loosie though.
18 comments:
Who is Jean Grae? what do you think of that for an album titled. I admire your work and think you are a unique talent. I cant wait for the next album. Blacksmith is the Movement!!
I think I just became an even bigger jeangrae fan..."what am I a mart?"....classic.
Wow LoL..u had a straight Pesto moment...& what else is funny is..as I read it...it acted out in my brain LoL
I can take both of the moments. I like the one with the dramatic clap but I also like the curse-you-out-while-I-get-my-rant-on as well. Done it many times, in fact. Love this blog post! Love it! Keep those fists balled up until the right one comes along and you can extend an open palm...
Interesting.
Your writing is witty, your turn of phrase exquisite. That is all.
真正仁慈的人，會忘記他們做過的善行，他們全心投入現在的工作，過去的事已被遺忘。..................................................
Write a book. Please.
That ain't sarcasm. That be absurdity and absurdity is the reason that life isn't a dull description of concrete blocks and people's troubles... well I guess there is also mindless optimism, but absurdity is way more fun.
You didn't ruin the moment, you made that moment. You pushed the definition of that moment to one of both massive importance and awesome absurdity and if the off shoot is that someone thought you were a loon then that's only cause their head can't handle the overload of two different things at once.
I am a massive fan of absurdity in conversation. There is nothing like thrusting a stick in the path well travelled and marching off through the undergrowth. Then mebbe check back in a few seconds and see who's still with.
If they ain't with, then fuck em. Go back to the road and pick the most mindless "acceptable" conversation starter and bore the shit out of em with it.
Awesomeness galore!!! LMBO! You are David Sedaris in a dress! LOL!
Cracking up!
I feel your pain on saying jokes during serious moments. The wrong thing to say always flies into my mind first. And if I hold back and not interject my comment I feel bothered about it afterward. It has yet to freak up my job situation so I have some control. Remember with great wit and sarcasm comes great responsibility. Or is that liability?
生命中最美麗的報償之一便是幫助他人的同時，也幫助了自己。.......................................................
Hey Jean, Its (emcee) Indeed, Invincible introduced us @ your show @ Joe's Pub back in the winter. Anyhow, I Love your post, been following for a minute now, they are funny as hell! Hope a book is somewhere in the future... Onelove.
As a man sows, so he shall reap.............................................................
hey how can i get u trax
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