I hate my friends and things they do in their spare time.

Seriously. LMAO. Thanks for sending me this.

Ways To Get A Chick Hot: For The Guys (or the girls.)

For some strange reason, it seems that I have become the person to turn to for love and relationship advice.
I am a good choice for this! (I am a terrible choice for this shit.)

I thought it would be a good idea to just put all my advice to guys (or the ladies...if you like the ladies, ladies) for getting a lady. Also for getting a lady hot.

Here are 4 sure fire ways to nab that special lady you've been after. If you already have her, there are some tips on how to KEEP her.
You're welcome, in fucking advance.

1.) If you're at a bar and happen to see a young lady that catches your eye, definitely use this

Stare at her, intensely, from across the room. Ladies LOVE it when you stare it them. Do this for about 15-20 minutes straight.
Don't concentrate on anything else except staring at her.
If you can practice not blinking for extended periods of time, when you're at home, or at work, this would help.
What you want to convey, is a deep attraction. Make her feel like she is the only person in the world. Don't even look down at your drink. Don't look at ANYTHING else. Just her.

If no one has called the police yet, or alerted the bouncer of your intense love, move to the next step.

Move to a seat closer to hers. Hopefully right next to her. Busy yourself with your drink, your phone, whatever. Maybe slide a smile, but establish yourself as completely harmless and uninterested in a sexual way. Maybe say little fun things like "Oh I love this song!" Or, "I really love your outfit. You have great style." After you pay her any compliment, make sure to ignore her. It will drive her mad. With love for you.


She'll have to go to the bathroom at some point (she's a girl, we pee ALL the time. I'm peeing RIGHT NOW.)
When she does, hopefully she will not have finished her entire drink. If she does, just order another of whatever she's drinking before she comes back.
You can even suggest beforehand that you would watch her drink if she wants to go to the bathroom.
Establish your boyish charm and harmlessness before doing so, or she will totally be on to you.

If this goes well, she will return from the bathroom refreshed and ready to give you the night of your life.

Don't be too eager!
"Hey! Welcome back! Missed you!" You might exclaim. Wave your hand towards her seat.
This is when the real plan comes in.
Hum quietly at first, louder as you continue. Hum "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton.

Chicks love that song.

As you get louder, not too loud now, start adding words... "Drugging you.... is easy cause you're beautiful...doo doo doo doo doo doo..." That's mainly the part you want to repeat over and over again.
I don't think I have to give you any advice after that.. It should be a closed deal at this point!

You're definitely fucked... err... fucking, that night!


2.) This one right here is very situation specific. Well, kind of. It's for guys who have just started dating a lady with a cat. Not, "a guy who has somehow used a cat in order to date a lady." I know a couple of those guys. That's just crazy. It was effective, but it was just loony.

Anyway...

Right, so, you got a new lady, she has a cat, you've been doing the in-and-out a few times.

Err, you and the lady. Not you and the cat. If it's you and the cat, umm.. and the lady... you don't need my advice. You pretty much got your life covered. You're fucking your girlfriend and your girlfriends cat. Maybe even at the same time. Maybe your girlfriend is even fucking her own cat. You got a lot going on. How you found the time to read this blog, I don't even know.

Kudos to you.
Not because I want to fuck a cat. Or your girlfriend. Or YOU for that matter. I don't even know you.
I bet you think everyone wants to do you, huh. I know your type. Just because you've convinced some girl to have sexual intercourse with her pet doesn't make you the king. Of anything. I got some news for you buddy, that girl was probably already fucking that cat. Before you got there. It doesn't even have anything to do with you.
She's fulfilling HER fantasy of having some idiot dude (you) watch her fuck a cat...and you know what? You're not the first guy. She probably has tapes. Tapes of all the guys who watched her fuck that cat and then fucked her cat.

You didn't think you were the first, did you? Come on.

You think you popped that cat's cherry? Get the fuck out of here. You know you were surprised when it was, oh, let's just say, not the tight vice grip you would expect from a cats *whistles* ....

You know something about those tapes? I've seen them. That's right. You're surprised. Yeah. I know Lily. Your "girlfriend."
HA! You think she's your girlfriend? You're just another idiot on tape fucking a cat. Your tape is labeled "IDIOT 22."
Me, Lily and a few other chicks get together once a month to laugh at the tapes of the cat fuckers.
We sit around and laugh and laugh at you.

I've seen your tape. Not impressed.

Now you wanna stroll on in my blog and try to get advice on how to get chicks. Man, fuck you, cat fucker. You know what? I'm not even doing the rest of the suggestions. You're sick. Get out of here. You've ruined it for EVERYBODY.

Asshole.

"The Climb"

Hey guys! I thought I would drop a little internet gem for you.
It's from a collection of songs I like to call "Dusty Jeans."
All miniature rap tunes done over some of my favorite short grooves.
This is a nice little re-intro to me and some things to make you not yell at me before "Cake or Death" drops ....which is in about 2 seconds. SO, heres a cute little video to go with it... enjoy.

It's VERY different to what Cake or Death sounds like, but .... I like doing different shit.

A Break From The State... Fight Tactics #1

Eye Gouging.

Really it seems like the last attempt. The time when your body and mind combine to form the, "Oh my fucking God, this motherfucker is going to kill me" Voltron-esque reaction.

Or, at least... that's what it looks like in the movies. OR, in a REGULAR fight against a completely insane person. The eye gouging may even come first... or right after the head butting. OR... in sports (which is still a regular fight against a completely insane person.)

It's a really effective fight tactic. There's a lot of blood, a lot of pain... I mean, that motherfucking killer/attacker knows you mean business. You want to live. You're going to fight.

If you had a weapon, it might be just out of reach... or completely destroyed.
You may have tried biting first.
You probably did. It was messy.
Biting, til blood, or biting a chunk out of someone is the first "I will not go silently into the night" move,

When you get to eye gouging though....
Man.
You can WIN!

Here's my issue.

It's fucking ICKY.

I have a problem with things that make me feel squeamish.
Squishy things, things that make the squashed grape soun----- ugggggh... *shudders*

So I ask myself...
Would I get murder, death, killed if the only option left to live was...eye gouging?

I honestly don't know. That really concerns me. I get a panic attack about my own mortality every single time there's an eye gouging scene in a movie.
Oh, oh my God... that could be ME.

I'm preeeeeetty sure that I wouldn't be in any of those "high risk for drawn out fight scene" scenarios, but you really never know. It's 2010, the apocalypse, the revolution (yeah right,) the ZOMBIE apocalypse... they could all go down.
Then what?

Well, ok, excluding the zombie apocalypse. Eye gouging is NOT an effective move in that scenario. Zombies aren't affected unless it's MASSIVE head trauma. Plus, said zombie may not even HAVE eyes.
So, fuck that one.

Or, just a really, really determined killer. A strong one, or one who knew jujitsu or something. It may come down to eye gouging.

I don't have any problem maiming or killing otherwise. I swear it's just the squishiness of the situation. It's very troubling to me. I figure that it's not just me. Maybe everyone thinks eye gouging is fucking gross. Perhaps you really have to be in that "kill or be killed" event in order to know if you're an eye gouger or not.

Hopefully, when someone tries to kill me... I will be one of the few, the proud. Eye gougers.


...cause really, it makes for a great dinner story.

How Have I Changed?

I was going through my myspace blogs and I came across one of these "personal surveys" I did. I'm not one who does these usually.. I think it was just a "why not?" sort of moment I had.

So, I'll do it again. Decidedly to see how much my answers have changed over this period of time... and share. Like you even care to know. If you don't care, you should leave now. GO! GET OUT!

Here's the original...

Monday, March 10, 2008

Answering quizveys
Current mood: complacent
Category: News and Politics
Don't do em.
Never have.
I changed my mind, thought.. why the fuck not?

What's your Status?:
-Superstar

What scares You the most about Guy's?:
- Guy's who have a capital letter on "g" seem scary. I suppose because they're important or something. On second look, the "y" in "you" is also capitalized. I suppose this diminishes the fear and places us on the same level. So I am no longer afraid. Nothing then. Nothing scares me. About "Guys".

Have you ever lied to make someone happy?
-No. Never. Are you happy reading this?

Like to travel?
-Depends where to. Trip to the city dump. Fucking detest it. Fiji? Let's roll out.

Like Someone?
- Again with the important people. I guess this works here. Uh, yeah.

Do they know?
-Yup

Who sleeps with you every night?
-Why does that sound like I need assistance sleeping? Ha!
Like, "who helps you brush your teeth everday?"
Way to avoid an answer though, huh?

Think you're attractive?
-Sometimes.

Want to get married?
-Let's deal with this divorcing status first, shall we?

Are you a good student?
-Define "good". While we're at it, define "student" and "are".
I'd like to think so.

Are you currently happy?
-I'm ok. Happy? Like filled with glee? Not really.

Have you ever cheated? Been cheated on?
-Yup. Yup, yup, yup, yup... I could continue.

Have you ever kissed someone who is just a friend?
-I don't understand the question. I can't even see the screen. That question is too small! I can't answer it. Why would you make your questions so small?? That people can't SEE them and ANSWER!! Thank God I can see the next one.


New Year's Resulotion?
-Only a little into the year. It could drastically change. Could be like, "stop maiming the elderly". Or "quit doing shots of yager at carnivals". Or, "work out more...not drunk". I don't know yet.

Do you believe in God?
-That's between me and my maker. Mmemnoch.

Do long distance relationships work?
-I dunno.

Do you believe in astrology?
-It's not a myth, so yes.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
-Yup.

Are you the Jealous type?
-The good jealous (normal people jealous) and then when driven to utter insane behavior, the OTHER kind of jealous that has involved tape recorders and elaborately planned schemes and plots to expose the other partner. Yeah. Not anymore though.
Boooooo that shit.

Do you drink or smoke?
-Nope. Never touch the stuff.

Do you make fun of people?
-Am I breathing?

Do you think dreams eventually come true?
-Manifest Destiny.

What are your Nicknames?
-I'll talk about the ones I can type publicly. Jeannie, Jean Greasy, Jean Grizzle, Jeannie Grigio, Red Bean, Jean Naté, Jeanie Bean... lol a lot.

Go to the movies or rent?
-Rent? What year is this?

Have you ever moved?
-My persona-. I am moving right no--. Oh yeah, word. Mad times son.

Have you ever stolen anything?
-Hahaha. Yeah.

How's the weather right now?
-Winteresque.

Last time you cut your hair?
-4 days ago.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
-My mama.

Are you a Taker or a Giver?
-Giver.

Loud or soft music?
-Loud as fuck. You would swear Redman was inside the tru--

The Song that is playing in your page is dedicated to?
-Heh, heh.

Night or day?
-Night.. but summertime?? Outside?? Day.

Do you have a Tatoo?
-No, I think they're for losers.

Do you have real plant's at home?
- I have flowers.. other than that, I murder plants. But I'm gonna plant veggies and herbs in the back. Oh! Also, steak. I'ma grow steak.

Future job?
-film director

Current job?
-I don't know.

Current love?
-rollerskating jams, writing, Superman.

Current longing?
-$$$, summertime, stability, more flat surfaces in my apartment. Unresolved situations and communication issues to be deaded.

Current disappointment?
- don't want to talk about it.

Current annoyance?
-The world turning into Idiocracy for real.

Have you ever loved someone?
-yup

Last thing you bought?
-wine

Most recent thing you are looking forward to?
- laying in bed

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
-to the future. For like 10 minutes. With a videocamera that I could bring back.

Do you support the war in Iraq?
-seriously?

Who you want for Valentines Day?
-Like as a present?? LOL. Or a pass? Umm.. Superman.

Pick a movie quote?
- Well. I have good news. I no longer fear death.

Date you filled this survey?
-Todizzle.


Here's the new one:

Monday, March 10, 2008


What's your Status?:
-Motherfucking Superstar

What scares You the most about Guy's?:
- I know a guy named Guy. Guy is cool as shit. I don't know what you're asking about OF Guy's... like Guy's what? That's weird. This is a weird question.

Have you ever lied to make someone happy?
-I have. It doesn't make anyone happy in the end.

Like to travel?
-Very much.

Like Someone?
- Yes.

Do they know?
-I try and explain it... I'm not quite sure if they get it or not. It's frustrating.

Who sleeps with you every night?
-I do.

Think you're attractive?
-Yes.

Want to get married?
-Let's deal with this divorcing status first, shall we? ( I have to change this)

Are you a good student?
-I would like to think so. Sometimes I'm not ready to learn things. I'm trying to get better at that.

Are you currently happy?
-In certain ways, yes. Very much.

Have you ever cheated? Been cheated on?
-Yes. Yes.

Have you ever kissed someone who is just a friend?
- Yes, but I don't just kiss people all willy nilly. If that kiss happened, we were not just friends afterwards.


New Year's Resulotion?
-You misspelled that shit.

Do you believe in God?
-

Do long distance relationships work?
-Not in my experience. I mean, not for me.... but I can't speak for everyone.

Do you believe in astrology?
-Yes.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
-Oh yes. Yes.

Are you the Jealous type?
-I would love to say I'm not. I am. If given reason. Otherwise, no.

Do you drink or smoke?
-Yup, yup.

Do you make fun of people?
-I'm doing it RIGHT NOW. and NOW.. and whenever you read this. Then 5 minutes after that. On a loop.

Do you think dreams eventually come true?
-They must.

What are your Nicknames?
-I have a few. None will be discussed in this forum.

Go to the movies or rent?
-Movies.

Have you ever moved?
-I try to stay very, very still. It's really best for everyone.. lol. I'm a nomad. Trying to settle now. I know this is not the last place I will live. It is where I need to be right now.

Have you ever stolen anything?
-yessir.

How's the weather right now?
-quite nice for the time of year.

Last time you cut your hair?
-my HAIR hair? or hair that became my hair by way of purchase? If purchase, 2 days ago.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
-Aquarius.

Are you a Taker or a Giver?
-Giver. Too much.

Loud or soft music?
-Loud as fuck. You would swear Redman was inside the tru--

The Song that is playing in your page is dedicated to?
-They're all dedicated to that cat. All of em. All the time. All day son.

Night or day?
-Night. No matter the weather. Summertime, daytime wins over night.

Do you have a Tatoo?
-Just got a new one too. Yes. got em.

Do you have real plant's at home?
- I didn't do well with the ones on the terrace. I do well with plants... I just gave up. Sorry plants. I was gonna get new ones today, but Pharoahe did not drive to Home Depot. Blame him.

Future job?
-film director

Current job?
-Writer

Current love?
-Music, magic, writing, my life, a dude.

Current longing?
-To finish a book. To get these videos shot. To clarify things. To shut people up.

Current disappointment?
- I don't even know how to answer this.

Current annoyance?
-Same as the disappointment.

Have you ever loved someone?
-Yes.

Last thing you bought?
-Thai food and some great dresses from the vintage store.

Most recent thing you are looking forward to?
-performing tomorrow night. conversation (this is getting bad)

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
-miami

Do you support the war in Iraq?
-seriously?

Who you want for Valentines Day?
-why is that written all slang and shit? "Who you want, girl?" That's racist.

Pick a movie quote?
-How's that working out for you? Being clever?

Date you filled this survey?
-October 27th, 2009.

Dream It.

I used to have this dream.

I was me, just regular me, but.... I had this superpower.
Well, It was TWO superpowers. Both of them useless and ineffective in fighting crime, being USEFUL, saving lives...the normal things you would expect from a superpower. They sucked. They sucked more because they were in a DREAM and couldn't even be good. You can do anything in your dreams. Me? Not so much.

I could fly. Just.. not fly in a beneficial way. I had to take a running start and hurl my body upwards. Most of the times I would just end up hitting a wall, or people, or any object in my path. It hurt and it was embarrassing.

After this running start, I could only get about five inches higher than the top of a lamp post. I couldn't fly horizontally either, I was just standing up in the air flailing about, trying to outstretch my arms in the "one arm forward the other arm bent at the elbow with a clutched fist" superhero position. I looked like an idiot.
No one in the streets around me was amazed at my skills. They pointed, laughed, guffawed... All this while I floated above them, kicking my legs like I was treading water.

What a gyp.

My second superpower was equally disappointing, but became more involved.

I could... brace yourself.....................................get down flights of stairs very quickly.

I know... you're jealous.

I would hardly touch the steps, gliding with ease, approaching landings with the speed of a stair cheetah. Yes.... I was good.
I had to use the banister though.. SAFETY FIRST!

I just felt like it wasn't fast enough though... I didn't really have any superpowers to use when I got down to the crime scene. If I could move faster, maybe I could completely defuse the entire felony. I could stop bad things from being bad things before they ever had the chance to BE bad things.

Of course, I needed advice. I told my very good friend Mr. Len about my dream. He immediately (and brilliantly) named me "Step Sister".
How did I not think of that!!???!!

We came to the decision that I could try and up my "Step Sister" abilities by adding a costume. I thought it was a brilliant idea.

So, I put together a costume in my head.

Imagine The Riddlers costume, skin tight and all. Green as well, but I had SS logos in gold, intertwined, VERY designer.

I looked ridiculously hot.

Here's the snafu in the plan... yeah.. umm.. apparently, adding costumes to your stupid super power does nothing but TAKE THE SUPER POWERS AWAY.
Completely gone. Rendered ineffective. Iksnay on the powersay. All of that.

So here I am... hearing cries of distress coming from stories below me. In this stupid costume. With this gold eye mask. Did I mention the mask? It helps to look really stupid when there's a mask. 10 flights of stairs.. took me about 5 minutes. I think I cramped up too. When I get to the bottom, people are injured.. looking at me and crying out - "Why? Where were you??? We NEEDED YOU!!! AGGGHHHH."

Stupid ass costume. I tried to take it out of the dream.. I ended up never having the dream again. I just ruined it for myself. Stupid.


I finally did have my first flying dream though. Up in the clouds flying, superhero "I'm not even TRYING" arms...all back against my side, while I wove effortlessly through the cotton candy landscape. Best part was the soundtrack... everything was silent, except for the wind and Radiohead: "How To Disappear Completely"

If that wasn't the greatest dream I ever had...I don't know what could be. If you can somehow try and get that song into your dream and just fly around for a few hours, your life could better for it. I cried when I woke up. I hope I have that one again. I'm going to shoot for that tonight.

Cocks, Balls and Hangy Pools = PENTHOUSES!

Yet another throwback blog. Some really funny shit from that year. ENJOY!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Cock The Balls..oh oops. Rock The Bells
So, last month.. I'm in San Francisco at this party outside. This guy I've known for awhile comes outside, says hello, looks at my outfit and says, "Ohhhh, look at YOoooOOoU!!!! Like, hey!!! I can look good too!!!"

Am I wrong for being offended at this? WTF? You say that to women? WOW.

What the fuck ?
Did I have soot all over me before?
Was it the burlap sack with twine I was wearing prior to you seeing me?
WTF kind of comment is that?

Anyway..

Some short tidbits that have happened as of recent.

I got security escorted out of RTB catering tent for threatening to take the chef down to Chinatown. That's right.. Fight him...
Classsic lines from this episode include:

Me: " What fucking time do you get out of work??? I will take you down!!! I will meet you ....OUTSIDE of the parking lot!!!!"

This is funny because the venue was located in a very large parking lot.
I wanted to tell him to throw down in the parking lot.
I couldnt.

The security for RTB: "You can't fight him."

Me : " Oh I won't fight him in here."

S: " I cant have you fighting him anywhere... not in the streets either."

Me: "Oh, I think I can....You can't tell me what to do outside. This conversation is over. GOOD DAY! I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!!!!!"


Another security guard later : " You know, you and Flava Flav are the only 2 people to get kicked out of catering.But he didn't get security escorted out. "

Security: " I'm gonna need you to leave."
Me: "You're gonna have to bring a lot more heavy motherfuckers to get me the fuck out of here. Fuck! I can't have any fucking chicken? No salad? Well fuck you and your food. Fucking catering chef. Fuck off."


Chef apologizing later.... goes to hug me

Me: " I don't think so. Listen, we're at the point we're I'm shaking your hand and not punching you in the face.. Let's end our relationship here."


another episode:

Vegas (not part of the RTB tour..just in the middle of it)

Me: "But...where's the hangy pool??? I specifically asked for the Fantasy room with the hangy pool!!! Now there's no pool!! What are we supposed to do?? The pole in our room doesnt spin and it's dangerously close to the bed. We can't use that!! Now the outside pool is closed.. There's no hangy pool.. I don't know. We are very dry. Very dry and sad. "

They gave us the penthouse.




Chicago:

E: 'Why am I always tired when I hang out with you? I never sleep!! It's not healthy. It's not right. I think I have grey hairs. I'm so tired.. Ok.. well.. the suns not coming up for another 30 minutes.. That's enough to play more hangman.. I'm so tired."

Also, I ordered a drink at the bar. We spoke to the bartender for awhile. He was sweet, older white guy...wanted to know what the hell we were doing at the rap concert. 5 minutes later, I go to pick up my drink. It has disappeared.

What the??

From in front of me?

There's a cup with ice in it.. but no beverage. Weird.

He pours me another. We walk away. Go watch Wu. 2 minutes later I take a sip. There's nothing in it.

"what the fuck kind of cruel trick cup joke is this???"

Theres a hole in the bottom of the cup... sigh.


I'll tell you guys more stories later.

My life is ridiculously funny.

I'm taking up the accordion. I'm so serious.
I'll post a picture tomorrow.

If Just thinks he can take out my accordion skills.. He's got another think coming.


Also, thanx Kweli, Guru, 9th, Corey.. Sounds great. I'm excited.

Guru.. you are made of magic. Small particles of glued together stardusty magic.


And by the way, next time motherfuckers book an entire rap tour without one female on it..... I'm fucking buying some tools from North Korea. To take you down. To fucking Chinatown. Assholes.