Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I used to have this dream.
I was me, just regular me, but.... I had this superpower.
Well, It was TWO superpowers. Both of them useless and ineffective in fighting crime, being USEFUL, saving lives...the normal things you would expect from a superpower. They sucked. They sucked more because they were in a DREAM and couldn't even be good. You can do anything in your dreams. Me? Not so much.
I could fly. Just.. not fly in a beneficial way. I had to take a running start and hurl my body upwards. Most of the times I would just end up hitting a wall, or people, or any object in my path. It hurt and it was embarrassing.
After this running start, I could only get about five inches higher than the top of a lamp post. I couldn't fly horizontally either, I was just standing up in the air flailing about, trying to outstretch my arms in the "one arm forward the other arm bent at the elbow with a clutched fist" superhero position. I looked like an idiot.
No one in the streets around me was amazed at my skills. They pointed, laughed, guffawed... All this while I floated above them, kicking my legs like I was treading water.
What a gyp.
My second superpower was equally disappointing, but became more involved.
I could... brace yourself.....................................get down flights of stairs very quickly.
I know... you're jealous.
I would hardly touch the steps, gliding with ease, approaching landings with the speed of a stair cheetah. Yes.... I was good.
I had to use the banister though.. SAFETY FIRST!
I just felt like it wasn't fast enough though... I didn't really have any superpowers to use when I got down to the crime scene. If I could move faster, maybe I could completely defuse the entire felony. I could stop bad things from being bad things before they ever had the chance to BE bad things.
Of course, I needed advice. I told my very good friend Mr. Len about my dream. He immediately (and brilliantly) named me "Step Sister".
How did I not think of that!!???!!
We came to the decision that I could try and up my "Step Sister" abilities by adding a costume. I thought it was a brilliant idea.
So, I put together a costume in my head.
Imagine The Riddlers costume, skin tight and all. Green as well, but I had SS logos in gold, intertwined, VERY designer.
I looked ridiculously hot.
Here's the snafu in the plan... yeah.. umm.. apparently, adding costumes to your stupid super power does nothing but TAKE THE SUPER POWERS AWAY.
Completely gone. Rendered ineffective. Iksnay on the powersay. All of that.
So here I am... hearing cries of distress coming from stories below me. In this stupid costume. With this gold eye mask. Did I mention the mask? It helps to look really stupid when there's a mask. 10 flights of stairs.. took me about 5 minutes. I think I cramped up too. When I get to the bottom, people are injured.. looking at me and crying out - "Why? Where were you??? We NEEDED YOU!!! AGGGHHHH."
Stupid ass costume. I tried to take it out of the dream.. I ended up never having the dream again. I just ruined it for myself. Stupid.
I finally did have my first flying dream though. Up in the clouds flying, superhero "I'm not even TRYING" arms...all back against my side, while I wove effortlessly through the cotton candy landscape. Best part was the soundtrack... everything was silent, except for the wind and Radiohead: "How To Disappear Completely"
If that wasn't the greatest dream I ever had...I don't know what could be. If you can somehow try and get that song into your dream and just fly around for a few hours, your life could better for it. I cried when I woke up. I hope I have that one again. I'm going to shoot for that tonight.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Yet another throwback blog. Some really funny shit from that year. ENJOY!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Cock The Balls..oh oops. Rock The Bells
So, last month.. I'm in San Francisco at this party outside. This guy I've known for awhile comes outside, says hello, looks at my outfit and says, "Ohhhh, look at YOoooOOoU!!!! Like, hey!!! I can look good too!!!"
Am I wrong for being offended at this? WTF? You say that to women? WOW.
What the fuck ?
Did I have soot all over me before?
Was it the burlap sack with twine I was wearing prior to you seeing me?
WTF kind of comment is that?
Some short tidbits that have happened as of recent.
I got security escorted out of RTB catering tent for threatening to take the chef down to Chinatown. That's right.. Fight him...
Classsic lines from this episode include:
Me: " What fucking time do you get out of work??? I will take you down!!! I will meet you ....OUTSIDE of the parking lot!!!!"
This is funny because the venue was located in a very large parking lot.
I wanted to tell him to throw down in the parking lot.
The security for RTB: "You can't fight him."
Me : " Oh I won't fight him in here."
S: " I cant have you fighting him anywhere... not in the streets either."
Me: "Oh, I think I can....You can't tell me what to do outside. This conversation is over. GOOD DAY! I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!!!!!"
Another security guard later : " You know, you and Flava Flav are the only 2 people to get kicked out of catering.But he didn't get security escorted out. "
Security: " I'm gonna need you to leave."
Me: "You're gonna have to bring a lot more heavy motherfuckers to get me the fuck out of here. Fuck! I can't have any fucking chicken? No salad? Well fuck you and your food. Fucking catering chef. Fuck off."
Chef apologizing later.... goes to hug me
Me: " I don't think so. Listen, we're at the point we're I'm shaking your hand and not punching you in the face.. Let's end our relationship here."
Vegas (not part of the RTB tour..just in the middle of it)
Me: "But...where's the hangy pool??? I specifically asked for the Fantasy room with the hangy pool!!! Now there's no pool!! What are we supposed to do?? The pole in our room doesnt spin and it's dangerously close to the bed. We can't use that!! Now the outside pool is closed.. There's no hangy pool.. I don't know. We are very dry. Very dry and sad. "
They gave us the penthouse.
E: 'Why am I always tired when I hang out with you? I never sleep!! It's not healthy. It's not right. I think I have grey hairs. I'm so tired.. Ok.. well.. the suns not coming up for another 30 minutes.. That's enough to play more hangman.. I'm so tired."
Also, I ordered a drink at the bar. We spoke to the bartender for awhile. He was sweet, older white guy...wanted to know what the hell we were doing at the rap concert. 5 minutes later, I go to pick up my drink. It has disappeared.
From in front of me?
There's a cup with ice in it.. but no beverage. Weird.
He pours me another. We walk away. Go watch Wu. 2 minutes later I take a sip. There's nothing in it.
"what the fuck kind of cruel trick cup joke is this???"
Theres a hole in the bottom of the cup... sigh.
I'll tell you guys more stories later.
My life is ridiculously funny.
I'm taking up the accordion. I'm so serious.
I'll post a picture tomorrow.
If Just thinks he can take out my accordion skills.. He's got another think coming.
Also, thanx Kweli, Guru, 9th, Corey.. Sounds great. I'm excited.
Guru.. you are made of magic. Small particles of glued together stardusty magic.
And by the way, next time motherfuckers book an entire rap tour without one female on it..... I'm fucking buying some tools from North Korea. To take you down. To fucking Chinatown. Assholes.