Who is Jean Grae?

Jean is a super hero. She's better than you at doing everything. Even stuff you haven't done yet. She writes raps and makes music too. All of which are better than your raps or music, if you do that sort of thing.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Ways To Get A Chick Hot: For The Guys (or the girls.)


For some strange reason, it seems that I have become the person to turn to for love and relationship advice.
I am a good choice for this! (I am a terrible choice for this shit.)

I thought it would be a good idea to just put all my advice to guys (or the ladies...if you like the ladies, ladies) for getting a lady. Also for getting a lady hot.

Here are 4 sure fire ways to nab that special lady you've been after. If you already have her, there are some tips on how to KEEP her.
You're welcome, in fucking advance.

1.) If you're at a bar and happen to see a young lady that catches your eye, definitely use this

Stare at her, intensely, from across the room. Ladies LOVE it when you stare it them. Do this for about 15-20 minutes straight.
Don't concentrate on anything else except staring at her.
If you can practice not blinking for extended periods of time, when you're at home, or at work, this would help.
What you want to convey, is a deep attraction. Make her feel like she is the only person in the world. Don't even look down at your drink. Don't look at ANYTHING else. Just her.

If no one has called the police yet, or alerted the bouncer of your intense love, move to the next step.

Move to a seat closer to hers. Hopefully right next to her. Busy yourself with your drink, your phone, whatever. Maybe slide a smile, but establish yourself as completely harmless and uninterested in a sexual way. Maybe say little fun things like "Oh I love this song!" Or, "I really love your outfit. You have great style." After you pay her any compliment, make sure to ignore her. It will drive her mad. With love for you.


She'll have to go to the bathroom at some point (she's a girl, we pee ALL the time. I'm peeing RIGHT NOW.)
When she does, hopefully she will not have finished her entire drink. If she does, just order another of whatever she's drinking before she comes back.
You can even suggest beforehand that you would watch her drink if she wants to go to the bathroom.
Establish your boyish charm and harmlessness before doing so, or she will totally be on to you.

If this goes well, she will return from the bathroom refreshed and ready to give you the night of your life.

Don't be too eager!
"Hey! Welcome back! Missed you!" You might exclaim. Wave your hand towards her seat.
This is when the real plan comes in.
Hum quietly at first, louder as you continue. Hum "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton.

Chicks love that song.

As you get louder, not too loud now, start adding words... "Drugging you.... is easy cause you're beautiful...doo doo doo doo doo doo..." That's mainly the part you want to repeat over and over again.
I don't think I have to give you any advice after that.. It should be a closed deal at this point!

You're definitely fucked... err... fucking, that night!


2.) This one right here is very situation specific. Well, kind of. It's for guys who have just started dating a lady with a cat. Not, "a guy who has somehow used a cat in order to date a lady." I know a couple of those guys. That's just crazy. It was effective, but it was just loony.

Anyway...

Right, so, you got a new lady, she has a cat, you've been doing the in-and-out a few times.

Err, you and the lady. Not you and the cat. If it's you and the cat, umm.. and the lady... you don't need my advice. You pretty much got your life covered. You're fucking your girlfriend and your girlfriends cat. Maybe even at the same time. Maybe your girlfriend is even fucking her own cat. You got a lot going on. How you found the time to read this blog, I don't even know.

Kudos to you.
Not because I want to fuck a cat. Or your girlfriend. Or YOU for that matter. I don't even know you.
I bet you think everyone wants to do you, huh. I know your type. Just because you've convinced some girl to have sexual intercourse with her pet doesn't make you the king. Of anything. I got some news for you buddy, that girl was probably already fucking that cat. Before you got there. It doesn't even have anything to do with you.
She's fulfilling HER fantasy of having some idiot dude (you) watch her fuck a cat...and you know what? You're not the first guy. She probably has tapes. Tapes of all the guys who watched her fuck that cat and then fucked her cat.

You didn't think you were the first, did you? Come on.

You think you popped that cat's cherry? Get the fuck out of here. You know you were surprised when it was, oh, let's just say, not the tight vice grip you would expect from a cats *whistles* ....

You know something about those tapes? I've seen them. That's right. You're surprised. Yeah. I know Lily. Your "girlfriend."
HA! You think she's your girlfriend? You're just another idiot on tape fucking a cat. Your tape is labeled "IDIOT 22."
Me, Lily and a few other chicks get together once a month to laugh at the tapes of the cat fuckers.
We sit around and laugh and laugh at you.

I've seen your tape. Not impressed.

Now you wanna stroll on in my blog and try to get advice on how to get chicks. Man, fuck you, cat fucker. You know what? I'm not even doing the rest of the suggestions. You're sick. Get out of here. You've ruined it for EVERYBODY.

Asshole.

21 comments:

Cobalt said...

lmao!

Luke Hokama said...

You are an ambassador of words and a fucking great storyteller. THANK YOU for writing something ridiculous and sharing it, and indeed, fuck cat fuckers.

Biggamal said...

Fucking gold lol

ianism said...

ooohhh noooooo

Rhinocerouslip Bumcrack said...

Cat fucking? ROFL

They probably fuck cats cos it makes their dick look bigger.

Cat fucking? fuuuuckiing hell. I hope they wore a condom, cos it's a lot less than nine months.

I'm gonna google it now. Cat fucking?

Cat Fucking The Album

might go and test you're pulling tips now, best stop off at the chemists on the way for some condoms and rohypnol. :P

Rhinocerouslip Bumcrack said...

dunno if this is bollocks but it made me laugh

http://isitnormal.com/story/i-fuck-my-cat-seriously-1983/

hannah said...

A month ago I was exactly feeling how you are feeling now, in pain, crying, heart broken, and then I found this site saveabreakup.com and I followed their instructions, I had my girlfriend come back to me in no time so fast!! I was so so happy and I'm still very happy, don't give up! I suggest you view the free videos that tell you what to do on saveabreakup.com

Tony Stark said...

Woooooooow....speechless..

jaybeeeye said...

ha. never fuck roomates!

Esther said...

it could've been the beer, but I just laughed my ass off.. which is pretty embarassing, laughing out loud, by yourself.. at 05.23..

CF said...

The fact that I cried laughing at this is just...
I don't know if I should be more concerned about myself or you.
As always great writing...
And a little sick.

I think that describes your rapping. :D

- @chickfingazMD

Tunde said...

Speaking of cat fucking, I found out that they (cats) have, like, a feline equivalent of HIV. I was like "GEEEET the fuck outta here" when the vet told me that shit.

Acehood94 said...

Jean yur Fucking Hilarious !!! Do stand up....and ummm...can you MAYBE POSSIBLY follow me on twitter http://twitter.com/#!/Acehood94

The Niftian said...

LMMFAO!!! I strive to be like you in my ornery years...I love your hilarity, J.G.

8Pussy said...

Hahahahahaha.... that was grand :D

David said...

The cat fucking is almost as funny as Lord Seer fucking up your music tonight! LMMFAO! Jeannie, you are great! Stay away from the cat fuckers and stay off that blow too.

les said...

lmao, Jean, you nasty

Xay B. said...

This was hilarious.

"Stare deeply at her for 15-20 minutes and if the cops haven't been called or the bouncer..." lol

www.quethelights.com

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