I haven't been here in a bit, I know. I missed it too. Let's all hug and- HEY! CUT THAT OUT!
Anywillies.... I've just moved into a new place, which is kinda pretty much empty right now. This television is entirely to small for this place. It looks stupid. But hey... at least I have a tv.
I was sitting here thinking about my antics and adventures of past and just sorta missing myself. I haven't been nearly as ridiculous, spontaneous or feeling capable of coming up with, let alone EXECUTING harebrained schemes like I used to.
I think I need to kick them into full gear again.
Them was fun times.
In order to inspire myself into ..err.. being myself, I've decided to share some of these stories with you.
Some are far too incriminating to, ah fuck it.. I'll work my way into those.
You should know... I'm completely insane. I think I've been insane by NOT living up to my comedic life potential. I loved it.
This is REALLY "Life With Jeannie"
I start you off with:
There is a bar I used to frequent in Brooklyn. By "frequent" I mean "live in".
I was pretty much a bar fixture at that point. I never paid for drinks, my friend had just opened a restaurant there, so I ate for free (thank GOD, cause I was dead ass broke) and I did random things that a bar worker would do. Played my ipod, helped clean things, rewrote the menu and generally just supplied crazy antics for patrons and workers alike.
I loved that bar.
I promise to tell more tales from the location.
One day, Steve (we'll call him Steve) was putting up flyers for a magazine party that was going to be taking place at the bar. It was a very sarcastic flyer, filled with promises of imaginary and outlandish things that would be at said party. Hipster dry humor. VERY IRONIC.
I really can't say that I remember all the other kooky things that were promised... The one that really stood out to me, was : STRIPPER CLOWN.
"Wait, wait.. Is that real? Are they gonna have a stripper...clown?"
"I don't think so Jean."
Now see, in my thinking.. the only way to make this situation work, was to supply something as ironic as, "Stripper Clown".
This destroying the irony, rendering it ineffective.
"Well, where are the gingerbread dobermans?" people would ask..
"And what of the heroin induced reindeer conga line?"
I don't recall if these things were on the list, I'm just giving you an example, so you can see where "Stripper Clown" fits in.
I went home to plan.. after telling everyone at the entire bar and all who came in, that I would indeed, come to the party as "Stripper Clown".
No one was really surprised, you have to understand the kind of fuckery I really get into. It's great.
I went home to plan.
The party may have been in a couple of days.. I think so..
First off, I needed to really understand my "Stripper Clowns" motivation.
Was I initially a stripper?
Did I start off as a clown?
Why would I be at that party?
What should I DO once AT the party?
Difficult, yet important questions. I couldn't come off as a fake "Stripper Clown"... People would read me like a .. fuck... people don't read anymore.. you get what I'm saying.
Less importantly, though you would think MORE, was wardrobe.
Clear Heels .... CHECK!
Striped leg warmers...CHECK!!!
Gold Lame Hotpants....CHECK!
I could be shamed at things I already owned, but I'm quite proud.. ready for ANY situation.. ANY time. I continued looking.
Ridiculously tight babydoll..CHECK!!!!
*note on purple wig, I wore this out to lunch with the guy I had a crush on (who is now my boyfriend) I wore an army hat over it to "tone down" the severity of the wig.
Mans style vest.....CHECK!!!!
Tiny, teeny, tiny skirt (same level as the shorts..I'm not THAT crazy) CHHHHHHHECK!!!!!!!
Let's see.. sock.. yes..
Giant thigh high tube sock filled with sugar tied with a knot to thwart off dirty fuckers....CHEEEEEYEECK!!
Well, the night I was prepping to go to the party, I felt great.
I had decided on my motivation.
I was a stripper.... business had been rough. I had started doing children's parties in hopes of making a second income.
Problem was, my stripping set was in the day time, children's parties were in the daytime... so I had to make a collaborative costume.
No, I didn't have a car to change in, I took the bus..
No, there was no dressing room at the strip club, the back of the club had burnt down in a crazy bonding glue and Alizé fire.
No, I couldn't get changed at the houses of the children's parties. I had tried that before and gotten arrested for prostitution at the bus stop. Without the clown make-up, it's really not a good look..
I drew on the red nose, painted the sad clown mouth and eyes, painted : "$20 Lapdances" on my cheek, threw on a long black coat and I was ready to go.
My friend picked me up (afore friend mentioned..lets call him "the guy")... apparently he told me later that I looked HOT...not later that night, lol.. like WAY later.
As soon as we got out of that car, motherfucker.. It started to snow. Oh no.. Fucking clear heels..
But, it was hilarious. I explained my plight to many, "combinin' these two muthafuckin' jobs sheeeeet" and they listened..
They took pictures.. they were happy. I had a blast.
We stayed at my other friends house that night and by morning, there was about 2 feet of snow on the ground.
"The guy" left, to go to a family Christmas party.
It took about 5 minutes after he left to realize... "Holy shit.. How the fuck am I going to get home in this?"
My homegirls house we were at didn't provide a lot for me. Sadly, my feet are waaay smaller...shit.. my whole body was too small for her clothes. Plus, she had to go back to work to prep the kitchen. (the bar).
I was too broke to take a cab home. I texted "the guy". He asked if I wanted to come to his mom's house for the party.
"Uhmmm... You.. you know what I'm wearing..right?? You DO remember... I don't think that's a good idea."
I decided to just say fuck it and go back to the bar in the same outfit, until he would be done with his family function and be able to take me home.
That night in the bar, I ended up hosting karaoke that was sung LOUDLY over another party going on in the back of the bar. Everyone was AMAZING... I was still in the outfit.. I just had to own it...
Kweli came through....just in case you want to verify this story.
When "the guy" arrived, we all ended up going to Kwe's house for more drinks. I had to be carried to and from the car because of the snow. NO way you can get through blizzard snow in BK with clear heels on.
But I still.. had a GREAT time... I got home.... and laid "Stripper Clown" to rest.
Long live the legend... of "Stripper Clown"
That's the only picture I have from the whole damn event.. I hate that I don't have a view of the whole outfit. sigh..
He kept that sock filled with sugar in the front of the car for months..
Welcome to the REAL LIFE WITH JEANNIE... and.. you're welcome