Lyrics To The Mr.Softee Jingle (that make you less homicidal.)

If you grow more infuriated every summer with the Mr.Softee jingle being drummed into your brain, you can use this to help.
 I've written some lyrics that ease the pain a little bit.
 You can sing them along to the jingle and it might make you feel better.
 You'll probably still want to stab the truck, but... it helps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzodaDCD798&feature=related




 I really wish you would just change the song, 
why won't you Mr. Softee? 
Shit has been playing for way too long, 
going to get my gun or 
 I could, indeed, call some friends who don't give a fuck... 
We could come, vandalize, overturn your truck. 
 I really wish you would just think about how horrible the song is 
Feel like you don't love humanity, 
also what is weird, umm... 
It is 3am I think you're...sell-ing drugs.

CaseBasket Lyrics

hold up, wordsmith, blacksmith,
girl in the school parking lot with a fat spliff,
old shit, full circle, bob barker, backflips,
got mad rap kids but not a catholic, preaching that gospel, not baptist,
redesign placements, nos-ag-stic,
getting, too crazy? my bad shit,
right,
you aint lazy, I'm bat shit, basket case, you can blame me, its the madness, jg, congrats bitch,
in raps last place, so the vantage points dangerous, a black ditch underground cave where the canvas is the wall around me stained with my blood and my fans pics,
a motherfucker with nothing to lose is a bad bitch,
misconstrued, miss my aim, you lose,
kiss the shoes, diss my name, hiss, boos,
your clique is fools, fucking with niggas and jigaboos, I'm sick of buffoons, fucking sick of thinking of coons,
I aint ever dig a rule, or kick a particular tune,
I'm penning its venting me niccotine liquor and booze,
I'm me, choose choice, it's the new shit,
don't be, confused boys, the new shtick, is no shtick, promote this,
offbeat, off road shit, with a kotex,
flow mo heavy than most chicks, so fuck a 28 days I keep a tampax with my show shit,
right next to an open bottle reeking of roses,
next to a broken bottle seeping leaking neurosis,
sleeping on Jeannie? most is? most ears.... aint heard of the beating, cause I'd be.... most feared,
See its more convenient to leave me alone in the background, blacked out, in a basement with a gagged mouth,
I dont want nobody to save me, I'll hack out,
Shawshank redemption, no thanks to mention,
act now, get a special deal on the raps out,
for free 99 I'll beat 99 acts down,
but leave one please, I need a comedy track clown, your beats jokes relief, hope you finally go that route,
if thee is next to Tsidi don't act out,
I'm a phe no me non, retarted don like my mommy done crack (wow),
a super jerk, call me Clark Kent at sperm bank, with girl mags, I'd be like SPIT if I burned tags,
I burn flags, burn, man, not books or bras, fam,
swing bars, multiple partners, Tarzan,
marzipan, that's it no reference, no depth shit,
breathe and let the bars stand.

The Assassins verse

Heeeeere you go!


Fasten your seat belts for the last of the three assassins on earth
The first flashing her purse where the heat's stashed
They call me Jean McCoy, beast in thee employ
deploy deplorable, through audible destructive actions, attractive decoy
Then pass it to Troy, after I'm passing your life over
He'll deliver it through river Styx, Hades
I'm cold, deliberate, ladies, my foes limited
pray me some praise (whisper it)
stay on your toes, villains, it's Grae and your day's whittling.
Blistering lines packed in sick, stick to spine
Racked with a sick mind, trapped in thick bitch frame
Drug you with strychnine, in nine drinks you drunk and it's my kidney, you dickbrain, I'm just itching to slit veins
Stitch lines, Rick James, Fuck yo lives, sip brains, bitches
Niggas, kick rocks, or kick rhymes, it's to the pain
liquor riddled liver, sieve in it, sipping it like Capri Sun
ignint as ever, she's clever, equivalent be none

A ball breaker, call fakers out with passion
You got the gaul bastard, to brawl with the broad brashest?
The balls in your court, pass it
But warning, fall faster than asses with age slack on the back of a Kardashian

The walls crash in, you all on the floor gasping,
the gas pour in the corridor, racking your jaws, blacking out
Catch Grae backing out the back door cackling
still make it back to the bar for last call.

BRIDGE

See I can be the bridge that takes you home
Or I can be he wind that makes you moan
Depending how you treat me baby
See I can be the beacon, brings you light
Or I can be blacker, colder than midnight
So how you gonna see me baby

Now either you can go on and choose me
or baby you're gon' go on and lose me
Cause I can be, I can be, I can be, I can be, I can be, I can be,
I can be, I can be

If I could be blatant with, well, what I gotta say about you and I is,
What I gotta do to not see it Kevin Smith way,
You know,
View Askew, babe
Give it to me straighter than a hetero, I'll pay for petrol,
We can go riding through the metro (polis)
Put it together because separate causes, misunderstanding, watch
Metropolis
That's like us, see together we marvelous
Hard as the city of the concrete gardens
Split it up, inserts the margins, you get confusion, the words lose purpose
The mark and the target, the arc and the aim like a dart just miss position
If I can explain the way we need to go and where we gonna go, I can do it just like this
Listen
I guess this is the infamous, "What is this really?" conversation
Man I hate as a miss is this it's me bringing it up
Predictable dating
But you won't, I've been waiting,
I wouldn't bother, wouldn't have the patience
It would be the aphid in the room, wasted breath, but I think you're amazing.
That being said... (dot, dot, dot)
Love the way the bed rock non-stop
Love the time we spend, chill, eat, shop
Even iller the days we pretend we wanna be at our own spots
But then you knock, knock, knock
But yet still not confirming lock,
I need to know or else just get dropped,
get canned, get blocked,
Got plans, or not?


See I can be the bridge that takes you home
Or I can be he wind that makes you moan
Depending how you treat me baby
See I can be the beacon, brings you light
Or I can be blacker, colder than midnight
So how you gonna see me baby

Now either you can go on and choose me
or baby you're gon' go on and lose me
Cause I can be, I can be, I can be, I can be, I can be, I can be,
I can be, I can be



The way you think is appealing I,
Like the feeling of thinking of you
Like to know that you're thinking of me
Like the feeling of being us, two
Might reveal how I'm feeling too much
Might be feeling the fear, we do rush
Fight the feeling to flee, to lose us
Type to reel in the scenes and lose trust
Slice the dealings and leave, abuse lust
Cuts and bruises, I see you lose love
But you chose to redeem it, who does?
Fuck the blues and the demons, choose one
Human to humor cupid with some "cue in the music cupid shit"
come
Lose the race in the shoes that you run
Fuse the pace of the two into one


See I can be the bridge that takes you home
Or I can be he wind that makes you moan
Depending how you treat me baby
See I can be the beacon, brings you light
Or I can be blacker, colder than midnight
So how you gonna see me baby

Now either you can go on and choose me
or baby you're gon' go on and lose me
Cause I can be, I can be, I can be, I can be, I can be, I can be,
I can be, I can be

I hate my friends and things they do in their spare time.

Seriously. LMAO. Thanks for sending me this.

Ways To Get A Chick Hot: For The Guys (or the girls.)

For some strange reason, it seems that I have become the person to turn to for love and relationship advice.
I am a good choice for this! (I am a terrible choice for this shit.)

I thought it would be a good idea to just put all my advice to guys (or the ladies...if you like the ladies, ladies) for getting a lady. Also for getting a lady hot.

Here are 4 sure fire ways to nab that special lady you've been after. If you already have her, there are some tips on how to KEEP her.
You're welcome, in fucking advance.

1.) If you're at a bar and happen to see a young lady that catches your eye, definitely use this

Stare at her, intensely, from across the room. Ladies LOVE it when you stare it them. Do this for about 15-20 minutes straight.
Don't concentrate on anything else except staring at her.
If you can practice not blinking for extended periods of time, when you're at home, or at work, this would help.
What you want to convey, is a deep attraction. Make her feel like she is the only person in the world. Don't even look down at your drink. Don't look at ANYTHING else. Just her.

If no one has called the police yet, or alerted the bouncer of your intense love, move to the next step.

Move to a seat closer to hers. Hopefully right next to her. Busy yourself with your drink, your phone, whatever. Maybe slide a smile, but establish yourself as completely harmless and uninterested in a sexual way. Maybe say little fun things like "Oh I love this song!" Or, "I really love your outfit. You have great style." After you pay her any compliment, make sure to ignore her. It will drive her mad. With love for you.


She'll have to go to the bathroom at some point (she's a girl, we pee ALL the time. I'm peeing RIGHT NOW.)
When she does, hopefully she will not have finished her entire drink. If she does, just order another of whatever she's drinking before she comes back.
You can even suggest beforehand that you would watch her drink if she wants to go to the bathroom.
Establish your boyish charm and harmlessness before doing so, or she will totally be on to you.

If this goes well, she will return from the bathroom refreshed and ready to give you the night of your life.

Don't be too eager!
"Hey! Welcome back! Missed you!" You might exclaim. Wave your hand towards her seat.
This is when the real plan comes in.
Hum quietly at first, louder as you continue. Hum "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton.

Chicks love that song.

As you get louder, not too loud now, start adding words... "Drugging you.... is easy cause you're beautiful...doo doo doo doo doo doo..." That's mainly the part you want to repeat over and over again.
I don't think I have to give you any advice after that.. It should be a closed deal at this point!

You're definitely fucked... err... fucking, that night!


2.) This one right here is very situation specific. Well, kind of. It's for guys who have just started dating a lady with a cat. Not, "a guy who has somehow used a cat in order to date a lady." I know a couple of those guys. That's just crazy. It was effective, but it was just loony.

Anyway...

Right, so, you got a new lady, she has a cat, you've been doing the in-and-out a few times.

Err, you and the lady. Not you and the cat. If it's you and the cat, umm.. and the lady... you don't need my advice. You pretty much got your life covered. You're fucking your girlfriend and your girlfriends cat. Maybe even at the same time. Maybe your girlfriend is even fucking her own cat. You got a lot going on. How you found the time to read this blog, I don't even know.

Kudos to you.
Not because I want to fuck a cat. Or your girlfriend. Or YOU for that matter. I don't even know you.
I bet you think everyone wants to do you, huh. I know your type. Just because you've convinced some girl to have sexual intercourse with her pet doesn't make you the king. Of anything. I got some news for you buddy, that girl was probably already fucking that cat. Before you got there. It doesn't even have anything to do with you.
She's fulfilling HER fantasy of having some idiot dude (you) watch her fuck a cat...and you know what? You're not the first guy. She probably has tapes. Tapes of all the guys who watched her fuck that cat and then fucked her cat.

You didn't think you were the first, did you? Come on.

You think you popped that cat's cherry? Get the fuck out of here. You know you were surprised when it was, oh, let's just say, not the tight vice grip you would expect from a cats *whistles* ....

You know something about those tapes? I've seen them. That's right. You're surprised. Yeah. I know Lily. Your "girlfriend."
HA! You think she's your girlfriend? You're just another idiot on tape fucking a cat. Your tape is labeled "IDIOT 22."
Me, Lily and a few other chicks get together once a month to laugh at the tapes of the cat fuckers.
We sit around and laugh and laugh at you.

I've seen your tape. Not impressed.

Now you wanna stroll on in my blog and try to get advice on how to get chicks. Man, fuck you, cat fucker. You know what? I'm not even doing the rest of the suggestions. You're sick. Get out of here. You've ruined it for EVERYBODY.

Asshole.

"The Climb"

Hey guys! I thought I would drop a little internet gem for you.
It's from a collection of songs I like to call "Dusty Jeans."
All miniature rap tunes done over some of my favorite short grooves.
This is a nice little re-intro to me and some things to make you not yell at me before "Cake or Death" drops ....which is in about 2 seconds. SO, heres a cute little video to go with it... enjoy.

It's VERY different to what Cake or Death sounds like, but .... I like doing different shit.

A Break From The State... Fight Tactics #1

Eye Gouging.

Really it seems like the last attempt. The time when your body and mind combine to form the, "Oh my fucking God, this motherfucker is going to kill me" Voltron-esque reaction.

Or, at least... that's what it looks like in the movies. OR, in a REGULAR fight against a completely insane person. The eye gouging may even come first... or right after the head butting. OR... in sports (which is still a regular fight against a completely insane person.)

It's a really effective fight tactic. There's a lot of blood, a lot of pain... I mean, that motherfucking killer/attacker knows you mean business. You want to live. You're going to fight.

If you had a weapon, it might be just out of reach... or completely destroyed.
You may have tried biting first.
You probably did. It was messy.
Biting, til blood, or biting a chunk out of someone is the first "I will not go silently into the night" move,

When you get to eye gouging though....
Man.
You can WIN!

Here's my issue.

It's fucking ICKY.

I have a problem with things that make me feel squeamish.
Squishy things, things that make the squashed grape soun----- ugggggh... *shudders*

So I ask myself...
Would I get murder, death, killed if the only option left to live was...eye gouging?

I honestly don't know. That really concerns me. I get a panic attack about my own mortality every single time there's an eye gouging scene in a movie.
Oh, oh my God... that could be ME.

I'm preeeeeetty sure that I wouldn't be in any of those "high risk for drawn out fight scene" scenarios, but you really never know. It's 2010, the apocalypse, the revolution (yeah right,) the ZOMBIE apocalypse... they could all go down.
Then what?

Well, ok, excluding the zombie apocalypse. Eye gouging is NOT an effective move in that scenario. Zombies aren't affected unless it's MASSIVE head trauma. Plus, said zombie may not even HAVE eyes.
So, fuck that one.

Or, just a really, really determined killer. A strong one, or one who knew jujitsu or something. It may come down to eye gouging.

I don't have any problem maiming or killing otherwise. I swear it's just the squishiness of the situation. It's very troubling to me. I figure that it's not just me. Maybe everyone thinks eye gouging is fucking gross. Perhaps you really have to be in that "kill or be killed" event in order to know if you're an eye gouger or not.

Hopefully, when someone tries to kill me... I will be one of the few, the proud. Eye gougers.


...cause really, it makes for a great dinner story.

How Have I Changed?

I was going through my myspace blogs and I came across one of these "personal surveys" I did. I'm not one who does these usually.. I think it was just a "why not?" sort of moment I had.

So, I'll do it again. Decidedly to see how much my answers have changed over this period of time... and share. Like you even care to know. If you don't care, you should leave now. GO! GET OUT!

Here's the original...

Monday, March 10, 2008

Answering quizveys
Current mood: complacent
Category: News and Politics
Don't do em.
Never have.
I changed my mind, thought.. why the fuck not?

What's your Status?:
-Superstar

What scares You the most about Guy's?:
- Guy's who have a capital letter on "g" seem scary. I suppose because they're important or something. On second look, the "y" in "you" is also capitalized. I suppose this diminishes the fear and places us on the same level. So I am no longer afraid. Nothing then. Nothing scares me. About "Guys".

Have you ever lied to make someone happy?
-No. Never. Are you happy reading this?

Like to travel?
-Depends where to. Trip to the city dump. Fucking detest it. Fiji? Let's roll out.

Like Someone?
- Again with the important people. I guess this works here. Uh, yeah.

Do they know?
-Yup

Who sleeps with you every night?
-Why does that sound like I need assistance sleeping? Ha!
Like, "who helps you brush your teeth everday?"
Way to avoid an answer though, huh?

Think you're attractive?
-Sometimes.

Want to get married?
-Let's deal with this divorcing status first, shall we?

Are you a good student?
-Define "good". While we're at it, define "student" and "are".
I'd like to think so.

Are you currently happy?
-I'm ok. Happy? Like filled with glee? Not really.

Have you ever cheated? Been cheated on?
-Yup. Yup, yup, yup, yup... I could continue.

Have you ever kissed someone who is just a friend?
-I don't understand the question. I can't even see the screen. That question is too small! I can't answer it. Why would you make your questions so small?? That people can't SEE them and ANSWER!! Thank God I can see the next one.


New Year's Resulotion?
-Only a little into the year. It could drastically change. Could be like, "stop maiming the elderly". Or "quit doing shots of yager at carnivals". Or, "work out more...not drunk". I don't know yet.

Do you believe in God?
-That's between me and my maker. Mmemnoch.

Do long distance relationships work?
-I dunno.

Do you believe in astrology?
-It's not a myth, so yes.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
-Yup.

Are you the Jealous type?
-The good jealous (normal people jealous) and then when driven to utter insane behavior, the OTHER kind of jealous that has involved tape recorders and elaborately planned schemes and plots to expose the other partner. Yeah. Not anymore though.
Boooooo that shit.

Do you drink or smoke?
-Nope. Never touch the stuff.

Do you make fun of people?
-Am I breathing?

Do you think dreams eventually come true?
-Manifest Destiny.

What are your Nicknames?
-I'll talk about the ones I can type publicly. Jeannie, Jean Greasy, Jean Grizzle, Jeannie Grigio, Red Bean, Jean Naté, Jeanie Bean... lol a lot.

Go to the movies or rent?
-Rent? What year is this?

Have you ever moved?
-My persona-. I am moving right no--. Oh yeah, word. Mad times son.

Have you ever stolen anything?
-Hahaha. Yeah.

How's the weather right now?
-Winteresque.

Last time you cut your hair?
-4 days ago.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
-My mama.

Are you a Taker or a Giver?
-Giver.

Loud or soft music?
-Loud as fuck. You would swear Redman was inside the tru--

The Song that is playing in your page is dedicated to?
-Heh, heh.

Night or day?
-Night.. but summertime?? Outside?? Day.

Do you have a Tatoo?
-No, I think they're for losers.

Do you have real plant's at home?
- I have flowers.. other than that, I murder plants. But I'm gonna plant veggies and herbs in the back. Oh! Also, steak. I'ma grow steak.

Future job?
-film director

Current job?
-I don't know.

Current love?
-rollerskating jams, writing, Superman.

Current longing?
-$$$, summertime, stability, more flat surfaces in my apartment. Unresolved situations and communication issues to be deaded.

Current disappointment?
- don't want to talk about it.

Current annoyance?
-The world turning into Idiocracy for real.

Have you ever loved someone?
-yup

Last thing you bought?
-wine

Most recent thing you are looking forward to?
- laying in bed

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
-to the future. For like 10 minutes. With a videocamera that I could bring back.

Do you support the war in Iraq?
-seriously?

Who you want for Valentines Day?
-Like as a present?? LOL. Or a pass? Umm.. Superman.

Pick a movie quote?
- Well. I have good news. I no longer fear death.

Date you filled this survey?
-Todizzle.


Here's the new one:

Monday, March 10, 2008


What's your Status?:
-Motherfucking Superstar

What scares You the most about Guy's?:
- I know a guy named Guy. Guy is cool as shit. I don't know what you're asking about OF Guy's... like Guy's what? That's weird. This is a weird question.

Have you ever lied to make someone happy?
-I have. It doesn't make anyone happy in the end.

Like to travel?
-Very much.

Like Someone?
- Yes.

Do they know?
-I try and explain it... I'm not quite sure if they get it or not. It's frustrating.

Who sleeps with you every night?
-I do.

Think you're attractive?
-Yes.

Want to get married?
-Let's deal with this divorcing status first, shall we? ( I have to change this)

Are you a good student?
-I would like to think so. Sometimes I'm not ready to learn things. I'm trying to get better at that.

Are you currently happy?
-In certain ways, yes. Very much.

Have you ever cheated? Been cheated on?
-Yes. Yes.

Have you ever kissed someone who is just a friend?
- Yes, but I don't just kiss people all willy nilly. If that kiss happened, we were not just friends afterwards.


New Year's Resulotion?
-You misspelled that shit.

Do you believe in God?
-

Do long distance relationships work?
-Not in my experience. I mean, not for me.... but I can't speak for everyone.

Do you believe in astrology?
-Yes.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
-Oh yes. Yes.

Are you the Jealous type?
-I would love to say I'm not. I am. If given reason. Otherwise, no.

Do you drink or smoke?
-Yup, yup.

Do you make fun of people?
-I'm doing it RIGHT NOW. and NOW.. and whenever you read this. Then 5 minutes after that. On a loop.

Do you think dreams eventually come true?
-They must.

What are your Nicknames?
-I have a few. None will be discussed in this forum.

Go to the movies or rent?
-Movies.

Have you ever moved?
-I try to stay very, very still. It's really best for everyone.. lol. I'm a nomad. Trying to settle now. I know this is not the last place I will live. It is where I need to be right now.

Have you ever stolen anything?
-yessir.

How's the weather right now?
-quite nice for the time of year.

Last time you cut your hair?
-my HAIR hair? or hair that became my hair by way of purchase? If purchase, 2 days ago.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
-Aquarius.

Are you a Taker or a Giver?
-Giver. Too much.

Loud or soft music?
-Loud as fuck. You would swear Redman was inside the tru--

The Song that is playing in your page is dedicated to?
-They're all dedicated to that cat. All of em. All the time. All day son.

Night or day?
-Night. No matter the weather. Summertime, daytime wins over night.

Do you have a Tatoo?
-Just got a new one too. Yes. got em.

Do you have real plant's at home?
- I didn't do well with the ones on the terrace. I do well with plants... I just gave up. Sorry plants. I was gonna get new ones today, but Pharoahe did not drive to Home Depot. Blame him.

Future job?
-film director

Current job?
-Writer

Current love?
-Music, magic, writing, my life, a dude.

Current longing?
-To finish a book. To get these videos shot. To clarify things. To shut people up.

Current disappointment?
- I don't even know how to answer this.

Current annoyance?
-Same as the disappointment.

Have you ever loved someone?
-Yes.

Last thing you bought?
-Thai food and some great dresses from the vintage store.

Most recent thing you are looking forward to?
-performing tomorrow night. conversation (this is getting bad)

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
-miami

Do you support the war in Iraq?
-seriously?

Who you want for Valentines Day?
-why is that written all slang and shit? "Who you want, girl?" That's racist.

Pick a movie quote?
-How's that working out for you? Being clever?

Date you filled this survey?
-October 27th, 2009.

Dream It.

I used to have this dream.

I was me, just regular me, but.... I had this superpower.
Well, It was TWO superpowers. Both of them useless and ineffective in fighting crime, being USEFUL, saving lives...the normal things you would expect from a superpower. They sucked. They sucked more because they were in a DREAM and couldn't even be good. You can do anything in your dreams. Me? Not so much.

I could fly. Just.. not fly in a beneficial way. I had to take a running start and hurl my body upwards. Most of the times I would just end up hitting a wall, or people, or any object in my path. It hurt and it was embarrassing.

After this running start, I could only get about five inches higher than the top of a lamp post. I couldn't fly horizontally either, I was just standing up in the air flailing about, trying to outstretch my arms in the "one arm forward the other arm bent at the elbow with a clutched fist" superhero position. I looked like an idiot.
No one in the streets around me was amazed at my skills. They pointed, laughed, guffawed... All this while I floated above them, kicking my legs like I was treading water.

What a gyp.

My second superpower was equally disappointing, but became more involved.

I could... brace yourself.....................................get down flights of stairs very quickly.

I know... you're jealous.

I would hardly touch the steps, gliding with ease, approaching landings with the speed of a stair cheetah. Yes.... I was good.
I had to use the banister though.. SAFETY FIRST!

I just felt like it wasn't fast enough though... I didn't really have any superpowers to use when I got down to the crime scene. If I could move faster, maybe I could completely defuse the entire felony. I could stop bad things from being bad things before they ever had the chance to BE bad things.

Of course, I needed advice. I told my very good friend Mr. Len about my dream. He immediately (and brilliantly) named me "Step Sister".
How did I not think of that!!???!!

We came to the decision that I could try and up my "Step Sister" abilities by adding a costume. I thought it was a brilliant idea.

So, I put together a costume in my head.

Imagine The Riddlers costume, skin tight and all. Green as well, but I had SS logos in gold, intertwined, VERY designer.

I looked ridiculously hot.

Here's the snafu in the plan... yeah.. umm.. apparently, adding costumes to your stupid super power does nothing but TAKE THE SUPER POWERS AWAY.
Completely gone. Rendered ineffective. Iksnay on the powersay. All of that.

So here I am... hearing cries of distress coming from stories below me. In this stupid costume. With this gold eye mask. Did I mention the mask? It helps to look really stupid when there's a mask. 10 flights of stairs.. took me about 5 minutes. I think I cramped up too. When I get to the bottom, people are injured.. looking at me and crying out - "Why? Where were you??? We NEEDED YOU!!! AGGGHHHH."

Stupid ass costume. I tried to take it out of the dream.. I ended up never having the dream again. I just ruined it for myself. Stupid.


I finally did have my first flying dream though. Up in the clouds flying, superhero "I'm not even TRYING" arms...all back against my side, while I wove effortlessly through the cotton candy landscape. Best part was the soundtrack... everything was silent, except for the wind and Radiohead: "How To Disappear Completely"

If that wasn't the greatest dream I ever had...I don't know what could be. If you can somehow try and get that song into your dream and just fly around for a few hours, your life could better for it. I cried when I woke up. I hope I have that one again. I'm going to shoot for that tonight.

Cocks, Balls and Hangy Pools = PENTHOUSES!

Yet another throwback blog. Some really funny shit from that year. ENJOY!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Cock The Balls..oh oops. Rock The Bells
So, last month.. I'm in San Francisco at this party outside. This guy I've known for awhile comes outside, says hello, looks at my outfit and says, "Ohhhh, look at YOoooOOoU!!!! Like, hey!!! I can look good too!!!"

Am I wrong for being offended at this? WTF? You say that to women? WOW.

What the fuck ?
Did I have soot all over me before?
Was it the burlap sack with twine I was wearing prior to you seeing me?
WTF kind of comment is that?

Anyway..

Some short tidbits that have happened as of recent.

I got security escorted out of RTB catering tent for threatening to take the chef down to Chinatown. That's right.. Fight him...
Classsic lines from this episode include:

Me: " What fucking time do you get out of work??? I will take you down!!! I will meet you ....OUTSIDE of the parking lot!!!!"

This is funny because the venue was located in a very large parking lot.
I wanted to tell him to throw down in the parking lot.
I couldnt.

The security for RTB: "You can't fight him."

Me : " Oh I won't fight him in here."

S: " I cant have you fighting him anywhere... not in the streets either."

Me: "Oh, I think I can....You can't tell me what to do outside. This conversation is over. GOOD DAY! I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!!!!!"


Another security guard later : " You know, you and Flava Flav are the only 2 people to get kicked out of catering.But he didn't get security escorted out. "

Security: " I'm gonna need you to leave."
Me: "You're gonna have to bring a lot more heavy motherfuckers to get me the fuck out of here. Fuck! I can't have any fucking chicken? No salad? Well fuck you and your food. Fucking catering chef. Fuck off."


Chef apologizing later.... goes to hug me

Me: " I don't think so. Listen, we're at the point we're I'm shaking your hand and not punching you in the face.. Let's end our relationship here."


another episode:

Vegas (not part of the RTB tour..just in the middle of it)

Me: "But...where's the hangy pool??? I specifically asked for the Fantasy room with the hangy pool!!! Now there's no pool!! What are we supposed to do?? The pole in our room doesnt spin and it's dangerously close to the bed. We can't use that!! Now the outside pool is closed.. There's no hangy pool.. I don't know. We are very dry. Very dry and sad. "

They gave us the penthouse.




Chicago:

E: 'Why am I always tired when I hang out with you? I never sleep!! It's not healthy. It's not right. I think I have grey hairs. I'm so tired.. Ok.. well.. the suns not coming up for another 30 minutes.. That's enough to play more hangman.. I'm so tired."

Also, I ordered a drink at the bar. We spoke to the bartender for awhile. He was sweet, older white guy...wanted to know what the hell we were doing at the rap concert. 5 minutes later, I go to pick up my drink. It has disappeared.

What the??

From in front of me?

There's a cup with ice in it.. but no beverage. Weird.

He pours me another. We walk away. Go watch Wu. 2 minutes later I take a sip. There's nothing in it.

"what the fuck kind of cruel trick cup joke is this???"

Theres a hole in the bottom of the cup... sigh.


I'll tell you guys more stories later.

My life is ridiculously funny.

I'm taking up the accordion. I'm so serious.
I'll post a picture tomorrow.

If Just thinks he can take out my accordion skills.. He's got another think coming.


Also, thanx Kweli, Guru, 9th, Corey.. Sounds great. I'm excited.

Guru.. you are made of magic. Small particles of glued together stardusty magic.


And by the way, next time motherfuckers book an entire rap tour without one female on it..... I'm fucking buying some tools from North Korea. To take you down. To fucking Chinatown. Assholes.

New emails from "selling my roommate"

Seriously.
I don't understand what's wrong with people.
Here's a new response:


XXXXXXXX@gmail.com to sale-macq5-132.
show details 9:58 PM (8 hours ago)
** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html


Omg sounds great, how do I get one of these?





ME:

Your message has been sent.

Reply



Jean Grae to XXXXXXXX
show details 6:03 AM (3 minutes ago)

Wow. I think I just wrote an entire ad about how you could do that.

Are you the same person who goes to the zoo and on the way out exclaims-
"Man.. I wish we could go see some caged animals sometime!"

Get it together.
- Show quoted text -

Selling My Roommate on craigslist

Craigslist is a great place to sell and buy things. Like people.

I thought it would be cool to offer my roomie for sale. She wouldn't have to live there for a long time. Just enough to get the money. Here's the posting and one back and forth email. I'll update you with more email responses later.


in case you want the direct link: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/fud/1323877379.html
Roommate for sale! - $1001 (Williamsburg)

Date: 2009-08-14, 8:50PM EDT
Reply to: sale-macq5-1323877379@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

House broken roomie for sale!

Trained in the fine arts of conversation and fuckery, this room mate is the perfect addition to any home!

Illuminate a corner! Put life back into your dinner table! Make you bar come alive! Start a karaoke band!

Possibilities are endless with your new room mate!

Although ornery when not fed, your room mate will do well on a diet of vodka and a steady allowance for random needs! No amount is too small for the joy and pain your roomie can provide!

Out of witty quips? Ask your new room mate!
Need a strong opinion? Ask your new room mate!
Want new music? Your new room mate will make it!
Trouble with the wife? Your fucking problem!

get your new roomie TODAY!!!!

Will not deliver. Pick up. Cash and carry.

Location: Williamsburg
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

response 1:

trassy milly to sale-macq5-132.
show details 4:59 PM (3 hours ago)
** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html


Is this item still available forsale..


my reply:

Jean Grae to trassy
show details 5:20 PM (2 hours ago)
Yes! available for pick up today. Will accept liquor totalling $1,001.00 as well as cash.


their response:

trassy milly to me
show details 5:46 PM (2 hours ago)

Am okay with the price of this Unit and the condition of items
and we will like to make an outright purchase of this particular item
immediately because we are in need of it and we want to get as soon as
possible, I anticipate that a Money Order or certified check will be
sent to you via express mail or ups or Fedex as the mode of payment,
concerning the pickup, i will be responsible for that, where the mover
will come for the pick up at your location upon your confirmation of
receiving the payment and i want you to remove this Unit from the AD
now. So i will send the payment which will include the pick up
charges, in which you will make payable to the mover via money
gramm/Western union immediately after you have receive the payment and
you will be compensated with $10 extra for your running around to the
money gram/Western union outlet to avoid the delay. And I would
really love to come for the viewing but due to my work frame that
might not be possible..I want you to provide the
following payment information.
full name ...........................................
full home address (physical
City................................................
state................................................
zip code..............................................
tel#..................................................

As soon as this
is provided i will let you know when payment is mailed out and i will
update you on when you will receive the payment and give you
instructions on what to do.Here is my number incase you want to speak with
me 206 202 2980...thanks and i hope we handle this in good faith.
Thanks.




(wow)

My response:

Jean Grae to trassy
show details 6:03 PM (1 hour ago)
Dear "Thanks" (as you didn't include your name)

I'm really disappointed that you would take the time to write this very elaborate and detailed message, only to give me a fax number to contact you. My room mate aka the ITEM in question is actually crying right now. Mostly from the daily scheduled beating, but after calling the fake number, she became increasingly upset. I've had to restrain her and let me tell you, this is no easy job.
Now you've upset all of us.. And by ALL I mean, myself, the ITEM, and the ITEMS parents. I had to call them over to calm her down. She usually responds well to being berated and called "stupid stupid stupid face".
Again, this has really taken a lot out of my day and time.
If you didn't want to purchase my room mate, you shouldn't have contacted me.

You have failed as a human being.

"NO THANKS"







I'll post more soon.. we really need to get her sold though..

Dopplegangers .. another blog repost. I'm lazy.

DOPPELGANGERS!!!!!!!!!!
Current mood: scared
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
OK, I know I drink.
I know I have been a lot of places.
I know quite a few people.
Some of these combined events and people I do not remember.
So, this being said...

There are times when I see a picture with myself in it and do not remember the circumstances surrounding the capturing of the visual.

It happens.

Usually I can look at my clothes and the surroundings and go, "Ohhhh! I remember that!"

Well, like 9 out of 10 times.

This one stumped me.

I don't remember owning the shirt and jacket.

Its a black leather jacket(quite like the one that I own)only it has no collar.

It's a shirt I would wear....but I don't think I have that shirt.

And damnit, in my defense, I know Psalm One.

We have DEFINITELY taken a flick or 2 together.

Yup..

But something didnt seem right..

My fingers look different.

I think..

I had to do some further research.

This is NOT myself and Psalm One.

So, Hello Black Rock and Lo Lo!

You are officially our doppelgangers... At least in this picture.

Or, we are yours...if you're older.

or.. its us.. and we black out and become other personalities.
or..they do.

This is very very Tyler..

You be the judges.
doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo ...*creepy twilight zone music*

Return of The Gangster Gonzo

I haven't been here in a bit, I know. I missed it too. Let's all hug and- HEY! CUT THAT OUT!
Anywillies.... I've just moved into a new place, which is kinda pretty much empty right now. This television is entirely to small for this place. It looks stupid. But hey... at least I have a tv.

So...

I was sitting here thinking about my antics and adventures of past and just sorta missing myself. I haven't been nearly as ridiculous, spontaneous or feeling capable of coming up with, let alone EXECUTING harebrained schemes like I used to.

I think I need to kick them into full gear again.

Them was fun times.

In order to inspire myself into ..err.. being myself, I've decided to share some of these stories with you.
Some are far too incriminating to, ah fuck it.. I'll work my way into those.

You should know... I'm completely insane. I think I've been insane by NOT living up to my comedic life potential. I loved it.
This is REALLY "Life With Jeannie"

I start you off with:

STRIPPER CLOWN

There is a bar I used to frequent in Brooklyn. By "frequent" I mean "live in".
I was pretty much a bar fixture at that point. I never paid for drinks, my friend had just opened a restaurant there, so I ate for free (thank GOD, cause I was dead ass broke) and I did random things that a bar worker would do. Played my ipod, helped clean things, rewrote the menu and generally just supplied crazy antics for patrons and workers alike.
I loved that bar.

I promise to tell more tales from the location.

Moving along....

One day, Steve (we'll call him Steve) was putting up flyers for a magazine party that was going to be taking place at the bar. It was a very sarcastic flyer, filled with promises of imaginary and outlandish things that would be at said party. Hipster dry humor. VERY IRONIC.

I really can't say that I remember all the other kooky things that were promised... The one that really stood out to me, was : STRIPPER CLOWN.

"Wait, wait.. Is that real? Are they gonna have a stripper...clown?"

"I don't think so Jean."

Now see, in my thinking.. the only way to make this situation work, was to supply something as ironic as, "Stripper Clown".
This destroying the irony, rendering it ineffective.

"Well, where are the gingerbread dobermans?" people would ask..
"And what of the heroin induced reindeer conga line?"
I don't recall if these things were on the list, I'm just giving you an example, so you can see where "Stripper Clown" fits in.

I went home to plan.. after telling everyone at the entire bar and all who came in, that I would indeed, come to the party as "Stripper Clown".
No one was really surprised, you have to understand the kind of fuckery I really get into. It's great.

I went home to plan.
The party may have been in a couple of days.. I think so..

OK.. So..

First off, I needed to really understand my "Stripper Clowns" motivation.
Was I initially a stripper?
Did I start off as a clown?
Why would I be at that party?
What should I DO once AT the party?

Difficult, yet important questions. I couldn't come off as a fake "Stripper Clown"... People would read me like a .. fuck... people don't read anymore.. you get what I'm saying.

Less importantly, though you would think MORE, was wardrobe.

Clear Heels .... CHECK!
Fishnet Tights...CHECK!
Striped leg warmers...CHECK!!!
Gold Lame Hotpants....CHECK!
I could be shamed at things I already owned, but I'm quite proud.. ready for ANY situation.. ANY time. I continued looking.
Big Tie....CHECK!!!
Ridiculously tight babydoll..CHECK!!!!
Purple Wig.....CHECK!!!!
*note on purple wig, I wore this out to lunch with the guy I had a crush on (who is now my boyfriend) I wore an army hat over it to "tone down" the severity of the wig.
Mans style vest.....CHECK!!!!
Tiny, teeny, tiny skirt (same level as the shorts..I'm not THAT crazy) CHHHHHHHECK!!!!!!!

Let's see.. sock.. yes..
Giant thigh high tube sock filled with sugar tied with a knot to thwart off dirty fuckers....CHEEEEEYEECK!!

Well, the night I was prepping to go to the party, I felt great.
I had decided on my motivation.
I was a stripper.... business had been rough. I had started doing children's parties in hopes of making a second income.
Problem was, my stripping set was in the day time, children's parties were in the daytime... so I had to make a collaborative costume.
No, I didn't have a car to change in, I took the bus..
No, there was no dressing room at the strip club, the back of the club had burnt down in a crazy bonding glue and Alizé fire.
No, I couldn't get changed at the houses of the children's parties. I had tried that before and gotten arrested for prostitution at the bus stop. Without the clown make-up, it's really not a good look..

I drew on the red nose, painted the sad clown mouth and eyes, painted : "$20 Lapdances" on my cheek, threw on a long black coat and I was ready to go.

My friend picked me up (afore friend mentioned..lets call him "the guy")... apparently he told me later that I looked HOT...not later that night, lol.. like WAY later.

As soon as we got out of that car, motherfucker.. It started to snow. Oh no.. Fucking clear heels..
But, it was hilarious. I explained my plight to many, "combinin' these two muthafuckin' jobs sheeeeet" and they listened..
They took pictures.. they were happy. I had a blast.

We stayed at my other friends house that night and by morning, there was about 2 feet of snow on the ground.
"The guy" left, to go to a family Christmas party.

It took about 5 minutes after he left to realize... "Holy shit.. How the fuck am I going to get home in this?"
My homegirls house we were at didn't provide a lot for me. Sadly, my feet are waaay smaller...shit.. my whole body was too small for her clothes. Plus, she had to go back to work to prep the kitchen. (the bar).
I was too broke to take a cab home. I texted "the guy". He asked if I wanted to come to his mom's house for the party.

"Uhmmm... You.. you know what I'm wearing..right?? You DO remember... I don't think that's a good idea."

I decided to just say fuck it and go back to the bar in the same outfit, until he would be done with his family function and be able to take me home.

That night in the bar, I ended up hosting karaoke that was sung LOUDLY over another party going on in the back of the bar. Everyone was AMAZING... I was still in the outfit.. I just had to own it...

Kweli came through....just in case you want to verify this story.

When "the guy" arrived, we all ended up going to Kwe's house for more drinks. I had to be carried to and from the car because of the snow. NO way you can get through blizzard snow in BK with clear heels on.

But I still.. had a GREAT time... I got home.... and laid "Stripper Clown" to rest.

Long live the legend... of "Stripper Clown"

That's the only picture I have from the whole damn event.. I hate that I don't have a view of the whole outfit. sigh..
He kept that sock filled with sugar in the front of the car for months..

Welcome to the REAL LIFE WITH JEANNIE... and.. you're welcome

Not to be outdone by ANYTHING, Jean Grae posts pics.

My doctors computer was hacked. When will it end???

Treats For Tweets Tuesdays #3(the late edition)

I had the pleasure of making this musicians acquaintance about 2 years ago.
ALSO....It's the first person EVER, that I stepped away from my kitchen for and wasn't worried about them cooking.

Aside from being a truly incredible performer and entertainer, he is one of my favorite people in the entire universe.

Kwame-Brandt Pierce.... 3BeanStew

3BeanStew myspace

check out the 3Bean Children's Theater page as well.
Stories that nurture imagination.
If any of you have children, or shoot.. just have a great imagination please check it out.

p.s. this is my favorite album that people didn't know about of 2008. Fucking SICK.


There is beautiful music being made.. just keep your ears open

Creativity is alive and thriving.. help us to keep it that way.

Dear Activia,

WTF?!?!?!?!

Just .. look man...I know what you're for. I get it. I do. That being said......

You can't have NO timetable on WHEN you're going to up and work like that. That's crazy.
2 weeks is fucking grossly (no pun intended)inaccurate. This is nutty(pun intended).

I had things to do and you just completely ignore the fact that people have LIVES and JOBS and PLANS. You are dumb. You are a dumb little yogurt with no couth.

Here are 2 other DUMB things I have had the displeasure of seeing advertised.


Yeeeah. What I REALLY dig about the cats who came up with this revolutionary idea, is the clever name they chose. "Shoes Under".

Word? Are we at this point now? Shoes fucking UNDER? I'm going to stop pressing buttons on my technology rectangle here. I want to curse them out with my face hole word former. Later I'm ..oh fuck it.. OOGA BOOGADY BOO.



IDIOT WITHOUT ROPE AKA CARDIO JUMP
I hope you clicked on that.
Now you're in on the laziest, active shit I've ever seen in my life.
Ok.... I can understand....maybe there ISN'T room to jump rope. Cool...

But... umm. couldn't you just..sigh.. just DO THE SAME THING WITHOUT THIS PRODUCT IN YOUR HANDS???

Are we soooo over COUNTING now? Good lord.
This shit is....ugh. I weep for the future. We're not going to know how to do anything organically for ourselves.

This Activia needs to stand down. STAND DOWN I SAY!

STICK UP DANCE VIDEO EXCLUSIVE

From my upcoming "Cake or Death" LP. I'm real damn excited about this.

It's called "Stick Up Dance"
It's produced by Nottz... oh yeah.. GO AHEAD!!!!

BLACKSMITH!!!!!

Treats For Tweets Tuesday #2

Ganessa James

Anyone who is ever at any show Ganessa is a part of will always inevitably turn around to you, or lean to the person next to them, whispering,
"I LOVE HER.. SHE IS AMAZING"

Agreed..

Ganessa James.

Ganessa James myspace


Enjoy.